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Saturday, November 17, 2012
Week 5, busy busy School, i say. it's week 5 now and its becoming busier as the weeks fly by! FYP is almost done and i have to rush for my individual report by sunday!!! Well anyway, since i'm blogging now, i might as well talk about what has been bothering me for a few days now. i talked to a few of my friends and even though i have come to a decision, i will still share it with you guys. a little peek into my mind. yes, its the relationship. not so much about Mercus and i, but rather Mercus's (extended) family and i. its not hard to get along with his direct family as i go up to his place often and have dinner with them too. that's great right? BUT. i cannot go on this way without meeting his extended family! i don't know why but i always feel as if i'm not ready! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. maybe i'm shy, maybe i'm scared. i dont know. So how did this problem arise? A few days back, i was leaving Mercus's place when he told me that his mum asked if i wanted to join his family for lunch and a gathering. i froze. Knowing me, he added that it was perfectly alright if i didn't want to.. but you see, empress has spoken herself. i cannot reject repeatedly, right? i asked my mum about it and she said that it was my choice. i wanted to run (away from the situation) but how long can i do that? we've been together for 1 year and 2 months. i've ran away from ALL gatherings including CNY this year. (except once) ive only met them once which was a function during Mercus's dad's birthday. it was alright since he kind of never left my side and i didn't exactly stay for long. BUT ........ *speechless* i'm not sure if everybody feels the way i do. i've fought with him about this issue before because he has met my extended family before and me on the other hand has given all sorts of excuses to NOT go - to the point i don't even need to give an excuse anymore to say no, i don't want to go. He doesn't understand from my point of view on WHY i just don't want to them them. I'M JUST NOT READY... i think. so, since i'm not ready, i should just skip this time as well right? but there are several factors that make me consider to face my own... fears (?) 1) Mercus's mum was the one who asked me. i can't keep rejecting right? it's not the first time she asked me to go for a gathering. & it doesn't take a genius to realise that it isn't the wisest decision to reject your partner's mother so many times. especially if it's about her own family. On top of that, they did see me once and i believe they have been asking about me or asking if i'm going etc. i cannot keep saying no. right? wehz 2) How long can i run? we've been together for quite some time and i do hope this relationship goes on. But it wouldn't work if i keep running away. i managed to run during CNY gathering, which is rather a big deal because he came and saw the WHOLE of my extended family. and also CNY is kind of like those festival which you introduce your good friends, partners etc. It's already November. what about Christmas? next CNY? other gatherings???? How long do i want to avoid this situation? it definitely somehow reflects bad on me if i keep rejecting him to go for the gatherings, right? we've been together for quite some time and i do hope we would continue our relationship. But i don't think it would really work out if i keep skipping on CNYs and all other gatherings 3) Mercus has been giving me number 1 priority all these months and due to my anti-social behaviour, he has skipped out on so so many gatherings okay, enough said. his attendance hasn't been perfect ever since we got together. Everytime there's a gathering, he would pick me over it and meet me instead. Even though i encourage him to go for it, he would still choose to meet me instead. His parents, relatives and all MAY have a bad view or impression on me right? 'AH YO, ever since Mercus got that gf, he doesn't meet us anymore' etc ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, I CANT BE SELFISH. i should go for the gatherings so M would go there too!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT? then he would spend his time with both his family and i! i can't have him always picking me. family is extremely important too and i know that myself. so i actually have came up with a list of why i should go. but there's always this thing inside me that overpowers me. FEAR (?) fearful of what? I DON'T KNOW i really don't know why. i'm just not ready i think. but when will i ever be? 10 years from now? i don't think i'll ever really be ready. so why not just face it, right? yes, so i'll be going this sunday. i already told him. he keeps saying 'it's okay if you don't want to blahblah' but ya 3 points above plays on repeat again. but i'll be having lunch with him instead then joining them. WISH ME LUCK????? i'll blog about it if i remember okay? BYE GUYS PS: i ended up not going for the gathering because i had a fight with mercus on the day itself, which dragged all the way to the night. ohwell! i was worried for nothing! 0 comments |
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